Help for Surviving an Affair: What Can you Do?

Infidelity usually generates a crisis of significant emotional turmoil in a partnered relationship.  Strong feelings on both sides often roll out unchecked. Couples find themselves at a loss for how to move forward. Below are some common reactions to an affair and two steps to take to begin regaining control of your relationship.

Injured Spouse: Shattered Trust
The injured spouse most likely feels outrage from a deep sense of betrayal. Experiencing a volatile mix of anger and hurt is a frequent reaction. The injured partner may feel strapped to a roller coaster of out-of-control emotions. Often the injured spouse is haunted by many nagging questions about why and how the affair took place. Frustration flares as the more answers are demanded the more the offending spouse withdraws and/or repeats the bare minimum facts. While regularly getting angry at the offending partner may feel good in the moment, the fury of the injured partner can be destructive and result in more emotional distance. Meaningful communication can become difficult.

Offending Spouse: Guilt and Fear
The offending spouse often has strong feelings of guilt and remorse. The offending partner may also have conflicting emotions about the affair and may be mourning the end of the affair. Sometimes the offending spouse is at a loss to explain fully the reasons for the affair.  Fears intensify as the more the offending spouse explains or justifies what happened, the worse things become with their partner. Hopelessness and a sense of defeat may set in.

Step 1:
Take care of yourself. Find healthy ways to release your stress.
-Exercise your body
-Eat healthy foods
-Spend time with a trustworthy friend
-Get away for a few days to think
-Seek support/care from your clergy, doctors, therapist
-Keep a notebook of your thoughts, feelings
-Delay any major life decisions until you have had time to talk through things

Step 2:
Time to Talk. Communication is the key to feeling better.
Sit down with your spouse and make a mutual agreement to:

-Set up a specific private “talk time” each week for 30 to 45 minutes when you can come together to talk specifically about the affair and its consequences.

-Make an individual list of the questions you want your spouse to answer and/or things you want your spouse to know about how you are feeling. Bring your list to your “talk time” meetings.

-Exchange your list with your spouse and take turns addressing items on the lists. Let each partner choose what he/she feels they can handle addressing during each “talk time” meeting. Patience is important.

-Commit to being honest in your communication, and make only realistic promises to each other.

-Call an immediate “time-out” if either of you start shouting, name calling or showing other signs of intense anger or disrespect. When this happens, separate to cool off and come back another time when both of you have calmed down.

-Seek professional help if lines of communication continually break down.

Keeping stress in check and opening up communication are the keys to beginning the road to recovery from an affair. Remember even if the couple relationship ends, partners still need to communicate for the sake of their children and/or to facilitate making arrangements for how they are going to separate and move on.